“Love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid . . . this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.”
1 John 4:18 (NLT) Are your relationships characterized by freedom or by fear? If you’re like most people, you find yourself in a dilemma: You long to be close to other people, but you also fear being close. You want the freedom of intimacy with others, but you’re also scared to death of it. Fear often causes a battle for control in relationships. When you’re afraid, you’re insecure. And insecurity makes you try to control others—and resist efforts to be controlled! As a result, you can’t get close to other people because you’re just battling back and forth for control. So insecurity prevents intimacy and destroys your relationships. If insecurity destroys relationships, then what builds them? Love! Love builds relationships. The Bible says in 1 John 4:18, “Love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, this . . . shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love” (NLT). Love expels fear by taking the focus off of you and putting it on others. Focusing on the other person gives you the power to throw fear out of your life. How do you find that power to focus on other people? You start by realizing how much God loves you. The moment you begin to understand how much God loves you, you don’t have to prove yourself anymore. Because you’re secure in God’s love, you don’t have to spend your life trying to impress other people. Do you know how freeing and enjoyable it is to live life that way? When you’re secure in your relationship with Christ, you’re no longer pressured by everyone else’s expectations. Your identity and self-worth are in Christ—not in what others might think of you. God’s love frees you to love others fearlessly.
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Selfishness destroys relationships. It is the number one cause of conflict, arguments, divorce, and even war.
James 4:1 says, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” (NIV). Every trouble starts because of self-centeredness. It’s very easy for selfishness to enter relationships. When you start a relationship, you work really hard at being unselfish. But as time goes on, selfishness begins to creep in. People tend to put more energy into starting and building relationships than they do in maintaining them. If selfishness destroys relationships, then it is selflessness that makes them grow. What does selflessness mean? It means less of “me” and more of “you.” It means thinking of others more than you think of yourself and putting other people’s needs before your own. As Philippians 2:4 says, “Everyone should look not to his own interests, but rather to the interests of others” (CSB). Selflessness brings out the best in people. It builds trust in relationships. In fact, if you start acting selfless in a relationship, the other person changes too; when you’re selfless, you’re not the same person anymore so they have to relate to you in a different way. Some of the most unlovable people that no one wants to be around are transformed when someone is kind and selfless toward them. When someone is given what they need, not what they deserve, they change in beautiful ways. The Bible says in Galatians 6:7-8, “The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he’ll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God’s Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life” (The Message). This is the biblical principle of sowing and reaping. What you sow, you’re going to reap. When you sow selflessness, you reap God’s blessing. This is how he’s wired the universe: the more unselfish you are, the more he blesses you. He wants you to become like him, and he is unselfish. Everything you have is a gift from God, a result of his unselfishness toward you. And, ultimately, God rewards selflessness with eternal life. While you’re here on this Earth, though, you’ll be most fulfilled when you give yourself away. Jesus said, “Only those who throw away their lives for my sake and for the sake of the Good News will ever know what it means to really live” (Mark 8:35 TLB). “For the Holy Spirit, God’s gift, does not want you to be afraid of people, but to be wise and strong, and to love them and enjoy being with them.”
2 Timothy 1:7 (TLB) When you’re full of fear and anxiety, you don’t get close to other people. Instead, you back off. You fear being rejected, manipulated, vulnerable, hurt, or used, and these fears cause you to disconnect from the people around you. This fear is as old as humanity. When Adam and Eve sinned, God came looking for them. Then Adam said, “I was afraid . . . and I hid myself” (Genesis 3:10 ESV). People have been hiding ever since. You may not physically hide, but you hide your true self. You don’t let people know what you’re really like. You don’t let them see inside you. Why? Because you believe that if you show people your true self and they don’t like it, you’ll be up a creek without a paddle. Instead, you pretend to be someone you’re not. This fear leads to three things that will damage your relationships: Fear makes you defensive. You’re afraid to reveal yourself, but people inevitably spot some of your weaknesses. And when they point out those weaknesses, you defend yourself and retaliate. Fear keeps you distant. You’re afraid to be open and honest—to let people get close to you. Instead, you withdraw and pull back so you can hide your emotions. You become defensive and distant. Fear makes you demanding. The more insecure you are, the more you try to control and dominate. For you, it might look like always having to get in the last word in a conversation. Being demanding is always a symptom of fear and insecurity. Clearly, fear only damages your relationships. But where do you get the courage to take the first step to connect with someone and move toward deeper intimacy? You get it from God’s Spirit in your life. Paul says in 2 Timothy 1:7, “For the Holy Spirit, God’s gift, does not want you to be afraid of people, but to be wise and strong, and to love them and enjoy being with them” (TLB). How do you know you’re filled with God’s Spirit? You’re filled with God’s Spirit when you’ve become more courageous in your relationships. Rather than fearing people, you’re free to love them and enjoy being with them. The Bible says that “God is love” (1 John 4:8 TLB) and that “perfect love drives out all fear” (1 John 4:18 GNT). The more of God you have in your life, the less fear you’re going to have in your life. The starting point in connecting with anyone is to pause, pray, and say, “God, give me the courage to take the first step.” Are you ready to pray that for one of your relationships today? |
AuthorTaken from Daily Hope by Rick Warren. Categories
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