“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
Romans 12:18 (NIV) One of the most important skills you can develop as you walk with Christ is to love difficult people. Here are four loving responses Jesus modeled when he encountered difficult people:
You encounter difficult people every day. And you’ll often be tempted to react in negative ways. Instead, try loving them through these four responses. You’ll find your relationships strengthened and your character becoming more like Jesus.
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“A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.”
Proverbs 19:11 (NIV) When you’re dealing with people who are offensive or irritating, you need to look past the behavior to the pain. Everything we do is motivated by something. When people hurt others, it’s because they’re hurting on the inside. Hurt people hurt people. The more you understand about other people’s backgrounds, the more grace you’ll show them. Think of a person you find to be difficult or irritating. You probably know nothing about their background, so you don’t cut them any slack. You don’t know that maybe they lost their parents at a young age. You don’t know that maybe they were molested. You don’t know that they’ve gone through two marriages and their spouse just walked out on them. You don’t know their story, and that’s part of why you’re not showing them any grace. The Bible says in Proverbs 19:11, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense” (NIV). It’s easy to take offense from people you find difficult. But when you’re wise, you don’t get offended easily. Why? Because wisdom gives you patience. When you patiently take the time to understand someone’s background, you understand the stress they’re under—and it’s easier to show grace. Your understanding gives you patience to overlook the offense. What I’m talking about here is real love. In fact, the Bible says refusing to be offended by other people is actually an act of mature love. The more love you have in your heart, the harder it is for someone to personally offend you. The less love you have in your heart, the more insecure you feel and the easier it is to offend you. Proverbs 10:12 says, “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.” (ESV). The more you’re filled with love, the less you’ll be upset when people are demanding, demeaning, or disapproving. When you encounter a difficult person, remember to do this: Look past the behavior to the pain. Then refuse to be offended and, instead, respond in love. “I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.”
Galatians 1:10 (NLT) In life, you have to please only one person: your Creator. You only have to please the Lord, the one who made you and has a purpose for your life. That simplifies life enormously! Jesus said, “I don’t try to please myself, but I try to please the One who sent me” (John 5:30 NCV). He’s saying, in effect, “I’m living for an audience of one.” Did you know that people pleasing is a form of idolatry? The first commandment in the Ten Commandments says, “You shall have no other gods before me” (Exodus 20:3 NIV). Anything you put before God becomes a god. So a boat could be a god. A career could be a god. A girlfriend could be a god. Golf could be a god. Anything that becomes number one in your life that isn’t God becomes your god. The second commandment is, “You must not make for yourself an idol” (Exodus 20:4 NLT). Anything that replaces God in your life is an idol. Success can be an idol. Money can be an idol. Sex can be an idol. A relationship can become an idol. If that relationship to your spouse, boss, or friend is more important than God, it’s an idol. People pleasers allow other people’s opinions to take first place in their lives. Those opinions become a god because they matter more than God’s opinion. You don’t want to tell people you’re a Christian because they might think less of you. You don’t want them to know you go to church because they may not like you. At that point, you have another god in your life. You have made an idol of people pleasing. Paul says in Galatians 1:10, “I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant” (NLT). Almost everyone wants to be liked. It’s tempting to want to please other people. But don’t do it at the expense of pleasing God. As a servant of Christ, you have an audience of one. You need to only please God. “Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels.”
Luke 9:26 (NIV) One day you’ll give an account of your life before God. This fact is the best antidote to people pleasing that I know. When you have that kind of long-term thinking—when you keep in mind that you’ll one day stand before God—it changes you. It changes what you say, what you do, and who you try to impress. It’s the people pleaser antidote. When you take that long look, and realize you’re going to give an account for every word and action from each day, you’ll ask yourself, “Which is more important—God’s approval or the approval of people around me?” We likely face that question often. Do changes in culture or society's norms pressure us to try and distance ourselves from what the bible has to say? Our human nature wants to be liked. Your human nature might want to compromise, divert, punt, and leave out the truth. It’s tempting to say things like, “I just leave that up to God” or “Everybody has to make up their own mind.” But those are people pleasing cop-outs. In those moments—when you could say something that wouldn’t offend but would be a lie—there are three things you can do. First, remember what Jesus Christ did for you on the cross. He didn’t deny you. He didn’t back away from you. He died for your sins. Your life belongs to him. He created you. He saved you. He forgave you. He’s taking you to heaven. Why would you deny him? Second, remember that one day you’re going to give an account to God. God will ask you, “What did you say in that conversation at work? What did you say to your friend at school? What did you say during a family dinner?” Integrity is more important than popularity. And you don’t want to give up your integrity. Finally, tell the truth, no matter the consequences. As you walk in faith with Jesus, practice doing these three things. They’re the guides you need to live with integrity—not for popularity. “There is one God and one mediator between God and mankind, the man Christ Jesus.”
1 Timothy 2:5 (NIV) When you have conflict, focus on reconciliation, not resolution. There’s a big difference between those two words. Reconciliation means re-establishing the relationship. Resolution means resolving every issue. In most cases, resolution isn’t going to happen—there are some things you’ll just never agree on. Can you have a loving relationship without agreeing on everything? Absolutely. But it takes wisdom. When you’re wise, you learn to disagree without being disagreeable; you learn to walk hand in hand without having to see eye to eye. One of the greatest things you can do with your life is be a bridge builder, not a wall builder. You are most like Jesus Christ when you are reconciling people. That’s exactly what Jesus came to do! God sent Jesus to Earth to reconcile humanity with God. Jesus is the great reconciler. The Bible says, “There is one God and one mediator between God and mankind, the man Christ Jesus” (1 Timothy 2:5 NIV). But you cannot make peace with other people until you make peace with God. If you find yourself in constant conflict, ask yourself whether you’ve made peace with God. You can make peace with God by repenting of your sins and dedicating your life to serving him (see the prayer below). The Bible calls Jesus the Prince of Peace. Peace with God leads to peace with yourself, which leads to peace with others. “God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.”
2 Timothy 1:7 (NLT) God wants you to live at peace with everyone. Why? Because unresolved conflict has three devastating effects in life. First, it blocks your fellowship with God. When you’re out of harmony with others, you can’t be in harmony with God. When you’re distracted by conflict with other people, you can’t have a clear connection with God. The Bible says, “If someone says, ‘I love God,’ but hates a fellow believer, that person is a liar” (1 John 4:20 NLT). Second, unresolved conflict hinders your prayers. Over and over again the Bible says that when your life is characterized by conflict, sin, and disharmony, your prayers are blocked. “It’s your sins that have cut you off from God. Because of your sins, he has turned away and will not listen anymore” (Isaiah 59:2 NLT). Third, unresolved conflict hinders your happiness. You can’t be happy and in conflict at the same time. When conflict comes in through the front door, happiness goes out the back door. Once conflict has arrived, it won’t go away on its own. You can’t make it disappear by ignoring, denying, or pushing conflict under the rug. Have you heard the expression, “Time heals everything”? That’s simply not true. Time heals nothing! If time healed everything, you wouldn’t ever need to see the doctor. When you’ve got an open wound and you don’t deal with it, it festers. Conflict is the same way. Anger turns to resentment, and resentment turns to bitterness. So, to get rid of conflict, you need to intentionally deal with it. Don’t wait for the other person to come to you. Go to the person you’re in conflict with. Take the initiative and be the peacemaker. Only courageous people resolve conflict. Maybe the most courageous thing you can do is to face an issue that you’ve been ignoring for a long time—whether it’s in your marriage, with your kids, with your employees or your boss, or whoever. Where do you find the courage to face and resolve conflict? You get it from God. The Bible says in 2 Timothy 1:7, “God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline” (NLT). Let God’s Spirit fill your life, and you’ll find yourself filled with power, love, and self-discipline. God’s love will overcome fear and give you the courage to resolve conflict and bring healing to your relationships. “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.”
Proverbs 19:11 (NIV) Hurt people hurt people. When someone hurts you, it’s because they’ve been hurt. Unkind people don’t feel kindness themselves. Unloving people feel unloved. When someone is rude, bitter, unkind, sarcastic, mean-spirited, or arrogant, they are shouting with all of their behaviors, “I am in pain! I need massive doses of love! I do not feel secure!” Secure, loved people don’t act that way. The person who feels deeply loved and deeply secure is generous and gracious to other people. So how should you respond when someone hurts you? For many people, the knee-jerk response is anger. Here’s a widely held belief: You have only a set amount of anger in your life. When that “bucket” of anger is full, you need to pour it out—to express your anger. Then, when the bucket is empty, it will be cathartic. If you believe that, you’ll struggle with anger for your entire life. The truth is that you don’t have just a bucket of anger. You have an entire anger factory! That factory can keep on producing and producing and producing. When you get rid of the anger you have, you’ll get more. In fact, the more anger you throw out, the more it produces. Study after study has shown that aggression only creates more aggression. Angry outbursts lead to more anger, and soon anger becomes your habitual pattern. So you can’t just pour your anger out; that anger bucket will just refill. Instead, you need to let it go. Proverbs 19:11 says, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense” (NIV). When your goal is to just get even, you’re no better than your opponent. To respond wisely instead, overlook offenses. Look past a person’s words to their pain. Offer love and patience. The American poet Edwin Markham wrote a short poem that goes like this: “He drew a circle that shut me out—heretic, rebel, a thing to flout. But Love and I had the wit to win: We drew a circle that took him in!” When someone hurts you, you have a choice. You can respond in anger, which will only create more anger. Or you can respond wisely in love, overlooking offenses and overcoming evil with good. “The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.”
James 3:17 (NIV) Do you know two of the biggest mistakes people make in relationships? One, they react to what someone says without considering how that person feels. Two, they invalidate someone’s feelings because they don’t feel that way themselves. The antidote for both of these is the same: Simply be considerate. Let’s take a closer look at each of these mistakes and what you can do instead. Mistake #1: Reacting without trying to understand. People often pay too much attention to someone’s words and not enough attention to the emotions behind the words. When a person is angry, they often say things they don’t mean. They exaggerate and use words they didn’t intend to use. Instead of just listening to the words, look for the emotions behind the words. People don’t always say what they mean—but they always feel what they feel. If you’re wise in relationships, you’ll be considerate of feelings. Don’t just focus on what your child, spouse, neighbor, or boss says—words that may trigger your anger. Instead, be mindful of what those people may be feeling. When people are rude and unkind, they are screaming to the world, “I’m in pain!” Hurt people always hurt people. And it’s actually the unkind people who need your kindness the most. Mistake #2: Invalidating any feelings that you don’t feel yourself. When you don’t feel the same emotion someone else feels, you may dismiss their feelings altogether. Let me ask you this: Can one person be cold and another be warm while being in the same room at the same time? Yes. So why try to argue people out of what they feel? When you dismiss someone’s feelings, you minimize the other person. Someone may say to you, “I feel stupid.” Don’t just dismiss it by saying, “You’re not stupid.” Instead, say, “Why do you feel that way? What makes you say that?” You need to look beyond the words and get to the real issue. Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They’re just there. No one has to defend their feelings. They just need you to say, “I hear you.” The Bible says, “The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere” (James 3:17 NIV). With heaven’s wisdom, you can stop ignoring and invalidating other people’s feelings. You can let your friend feel tired and not try to talk her out of it. You can let your spouse feel sad and not try to talk him out of it. Wise people are considerate of other people’s feelings. “Any fool can start arguments; the honorable thing is to stay out of them.”
Proverbs 20:3 (GNT) Wise people are peacemakers, not troublemakers. Wise people don’t carry a chip on their shoulder. They’re not always looking for a fight. And they don’t intentionally antagonize other people. The fact is, if you’re around someone for any length of time, you’ll figure out what irritates that person. Then you may file that information in the back of your mind as a tool to use when you get in an argument. When that person says something that hurts, offends, or slights you in any way, you pull out that information and use it against them. You push the hot button. And it works every time! You know what the Bible calls this kind of behavior? Stupid! It doesn’t get you any closer to resolution or help your relationship. In fact, it hurts the relationship. It’s not wise. Proverbs 20:3 says, “Any fool can start arguments; the honorable thing is to stay out of them” (GNT). We all use counterproductive strategies in relationships. They’re hurtful, they’re harmful, and they don’t get you what you want. But when we lack wisdom, we use them anyway. Here are just a few of these counterproductive strategies: 1. Comparing. Never compare your wife, your husband, your kids, your boss, or anyone else—because each person is unique. Comparing antagonizes anger. 2. Condemning. When you start laying on the guilt in a relationship, you get the opposite of what you expect. It doesn’t work, and it’s foolish. 3. Contradicting. William James, the famous psychologist, said, “Wisdom is the art of knowing what to overlook.” Some things just aren’t worth your attention; you simply need to overlook them. The Bible says in Proverbs 14:29, “A wise man controls his temper. He knows that anger causes mistakes” (TLB). Have you ever said or done anything out of anger? We all have! When you get angry, your intelligence goes out the window. You say and do foolish things that are self-defeating. Have you ever thought about the fact that there is only one letter difference between “anger” and “danger”? When you get angry, you are in dangerous territory. You are about to hurt others—and yourself—with your own anger. The good news is that you don’t have to let your anger get the best of you. You can choose to be a peacemaker, not a troublemaker. Follow the wise advice of Proverbs: Control your temper and stay out of arguments. You—and the people you’re in relationship with—will be glad you did. “Take on an entirely new way of life—a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you.”
Ephesians 4:22-24 (The Message) Many religions and philosophies promote the old lie that humans are divine or can become gods. To be absolutely clear: You will never become God or even a god. That prideful lie is Satan’s oldest temptation. Satan promised Adam and Eve that if they followed his advice, they would “be as gods” (Genesis 3:5 KJV). This desire to be a god shows up every time you try to control your circumstances, your future, and the people around you. But you’re a creature; you will never be the Creator. God doesn’t want you to become a god; he wants you to become godly. He wants you to develop his values, attitudes, and character. You are meant to “take on an entirely new way of life—a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you” (Ephesians 4:22-24 The Message). God’s ultimate goal for your life on Earth is not comfort but character development. He wants you to grow spiritually and become like Christ. Becoming like Christ does not mean losing your personality or becoming a mindless clone. God created your uniqueness, so he certainly doesn’t want to destroy it. Christlikeness is all about transforming your character, not your personality. God wants you to develop the kind of character described in the Beatitudes of Jesus (Matthew 5:1-2), the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23), Paul’s great chapter on love (1 Corinthians 13), and Peter’s list of the characteristics of an effective and productive life (2 Peter 1:5-8). When you forget that character is one of God’s purposes for your life, you will become frustrated by your circumstances. You may wonder, “Why is this happening to me? Why am I having such a difficult time?” One answer is that life is supposed to be difficult! It’s what enables you to grow. Many Christians misinterpret Jesus’ promise of an abundant life (John 10:10) to mean perfect health, a comfortable lifestyle, constant happiness, full realization of your dreams, and instant relief from problems through faith and prayer. They expect the Christian life to be easy. They expect heaven on Earth. This self-absorbed perspective treats God as a genie who simply exists to serve you in your selfish pursuit of personal fulfillment. But God is not your servant. If you fall for the idea that life is supposed to be easy, you will either become severely disillusioned or live in denial of reality. Never forget that life is not about you! You exist for God’s purposes, not vice versa. Why would God provide heaven on Earth when he’s planned the real thing for you in eternity? Spend your time on Earth preparing for heaven by building your Christlike character. |
AuthorTaken from Daily Hope by Rick Warren. Categories
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