“If you become angry, do not let your anger lead you into sin.”
Ephesians 4:26 (GNT) We all get angry from time to time. We may handle it differently, but none of us can escape the emotion entirely. But just because we get angry doesn’t mean we’re sinning. The Bible says, “If you become angry, do not let your anger lead you into sin” (Ephesians 4:26 GNT). Paul tells us in this passage not to let our anger lead us into sin. That means that anger isn’t necessarily sin. The truth is, we can deal with our anger in both appropriate and inappropriate ways. Unfortunately, many of us express our anger in ways that get us further from our goals instead of moving us closer to them. For example, here are three things to avoid when you’re angry: Don’t suppress your anger. Don’t store it up inside. When you suppress anger without expressing it in proper ways, it’s like taking a soft drink bottle and shaking it up. One day it’s going to pop! It’ll impact your body eventually. Doctors tell us a number of physical ailments are often brought on by suppressed anger. Don’t repress anger. When you repress your anger, you simply deny it’s there. Deny your anger often enough, and you’ll be depressed. When I used to do more counseling, I’d hear many people tell me they were depressed, but they were really just angry. They thought that Christians should never get angry, so they bottled it up inside. Denying anger is a sin. It’s called lying. Don’t express your anger in inappropriate ways. We can express anger in a variety of inappropriate ways. We pout, spit sarcasm, manipulate, or do something stupid. None of those approaches get us anywhere near the result we’re looking for. So what should we do with our anger? Confess it. You don’t just admit the anger, but you also admit the cause. You tell God—and whoever you’re angry with—that you’re frustrated or you feel threatened. The more honest you can be in your relationships, the easier it will be to get to the root causes of your anger. Here’s the good news about your anger: You may have grown up in a home where anger was consistently expressed in inappropriate ways. Inappropriate anger is learned, but it can be unlearned too. You don’t have to stay the same. You can start changing how you deal with anger today!
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“Whatever is in your heart determines what you say.”
Matthew 12:34 (NLT) How does God help you with a bad habit of anger? He goes straight to the heart of the problem because it is a problem in the heart. Anger doesn’t start in your behavior, your background, or your feelings. It begins in the heart. The Bible says, “Whatever is in your heart determines what you say” (Matthew 12:34 NLT). Our mouths just reveal what we’re really like inside. Sometimes I hear people say something really mean or unkind, and then they say, “Oh, I don’t know what got into me. That’s not like me.” Oh, yes it is! Your mouth just reveals what’s in your heart. Someone’s harsh tongue reveals an angry heart. When you meet somebody with a negative tongue, you know he’s got a fearful heart. A boasting tongue reveals an insecure heart. A judgmental tongue exposes a guilty heart. And a filthy tongue represents an impure heart. On the other hand, if you find somebody who’s always encouraging others, she has a happy heart. If he’s always speaking in a gentle way, you know he’s got a loving heart. If she’s able to control her words, you know she’s got a peaceful heart. Are you satisfied with the words that naturally come out of your mouth? If not, then you need a heart transplant. You need a new heart! David says in Psalm 51:10, “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me” (NIV). The real secret to managing anger is God’s power to change you on the inside. Romans 15:5 says, “May the patience and encouragement that come from God allow you to live in harmony with each other the way Christ Jesus wants” (NCV). If your heart is crying out, it’s because you haven’t ever fully received the warmth and security of a relationship with Jesus Christ. Jesus can replace a hurting heart with his love. He cares about your pain, and he will help you heal so that your words give life and reveal the hope you have in Christ. “Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back.”
Proverbs 29:11 (NLT) If you want to tame your temper, you must resolve to manage it. You have to quit saying, “I can’t control it!” and realize that you can. Just like love, anger is a choice. When you get angry, you choose to get angry. Nobody is forcing you to get angry. People often say things like, “You make me so mad!” But the truth is that nobody can make you mad without your permission. Anger is a choice, and you must choose to control it if you want to be a loving person. You have far more control over your anger than you may want to admit. Here's an example. Let’s say you’re at home and you’re in an argument with somebody in your family. Your voices are raised, and you’re getting agitated. You’re upset. All of a sudden, the phone rings, and you answer sweetly, “Hello? Oh, yes! It’s for you, honey!” What happened? You didn’t want to be embarrassed or have to explain, so you switched your anger off real quick. Anger is highly controllable! The Bible says in Proverbs 29:11, “Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back” (NLT). Do you want to be a foolish person or a wise person? How you respond to a situation is your responsibility and yours alone. Anger is a choice. The time to decide to manage your anger is not when your blood pressure is rising, your adrenaline is shooting into your system, you can feel the flush in your face, and your muscles start to tense. At that point, you’ve already lost the battle. Instead, resolve to manage your anger before you go into that meeting or walk through that front door when you get home. Decide this: “Today, I’m just not going to get angry. I’m not going to let things get to me.” You manage your anger by first resolving—deciding in advance—that you’re going to hold it back. “The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust.”
Psalm 103:13-14 (NLT) Lament is not a word that we use much today—but it’s a practice that is essential to your emotional and spiritual health. What is lament? A lament is a passionate expression of grief to God. You cry out to God. You may even shout to God. You may weep. You may yell. Lament is an act of worship that can include arguing with God and complaining to him. “Wait a minute,” you’re probably thinking. Complaining to God can be an act of worship? That’s right: When you complain about God, that’s an act of rebellion. But when you complain to God, that’s an act of worship. You can complain to God all you want. God can handle it! He can handle your rage and resentment and regrets and accusations—because he already knows it all. He just wants you to get it off your chest. He wants you to admit it or confess it to him. “The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust” (Psalm 103:13-14 NLT). God isn’t afraid of negative emotions. We are, but God isn’t. He wants you to let it all out in lament because he knows that life is not all sunshine and roses. Life can be rough. That’s why the Bible says there is a time to rejoice, but there is also a time to weep. That’s why the Bible is full of lament. In fact, there’s an entire book of lament in the Bible called Lamentations, where Jeremiah complains to God that he got it all wrong. Jeremiah was grieving the destruction of the temple in Jerusalem, and God let him have his say. Most people think the book of Psalms is all about thanksgiving and praise. But there are 150 psalms in the Bible, and 65 of them are psalms of lament. Every human emotion is expressed in the book of Psalms. If God leads you to lament and you don’t know how to start, just go to Psalms. As you read, underline every verse that you identify with and every verse that encourages you. Say these verses back to God, whether they’re psalms of praise or psalms that cry out to God in pain. Your prayers of praise and lament are worship—and God hears every one of them. “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.”
Proverbs 19:11 (NIV) Hurt people hurt people. When someone hurts you, it’s because they’ve been hurt. Unkind people don’t feel kindness themselves. Unloving people feel unloved. When someone is rude, bitter, unkind, sarcastic, mean-spirited, or arrogant, they are shouting with all of their behaviors, “I am in pain! I need massive doses of love! I do not feel secure!” Secure, loved people don’t act that way. The person who feels deeply loved and deeply secure is generous and gracious to other people. So how should you respond when someone hurts you? For many people, the knee-jerk response is anger. Here’s a widely held belief: You have only a set amount of anger in your life. When that “bucket” of anger is full, you need to pour it out—to express your anger. Then, when the bucket is empty, it will be cathartic. If you believe that, you’ll struggle with anger for your entire life. The truth is that you don’t have just a bucket of anger. You have an entire anger factory! That factory can keep on producing and producing and producing. When you get rid of the anger you have, you’ll get more. In fact, the more anger you throw out, the more it produces. Study after study has shown that aggression only creates more aggression. Angry outbursts lead to more anger, and soon anger becomes your habitual pattern. So you can’t just pour your anger out; that anger bucket will just refill. Instead, you need to let it go. Proverbs 19:11 says, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense” (NIV). When your goal is to just get even, you’re no better than your opponent. To respond wisely instead, overlook offenses. Look past a person’s words to their pain. Offer love and patience. The American poet Edwin Markham wrote a short poem that goes like this: “He drew a circle that shut me out—heretic, rebel, a thing to flout. But Love and I had the wit to win: We drew a circle that took him in!” When someone hurts you, you have a choice. You can respond in anger, which will only create more anger. Or you can respond wisely in love, overlooking offenses and overcoming evil with good. “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
James 1:19 (NIV) You can save yourself a lot of pain and heartache if you follow one simple rule: Slow down when you’re angry or hurt. The Bible says, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19 NIV). Yet, usually we do just the opposite. We’re quick to speak, slow to listen, and swift to become angry. That’s backward! But if you do the first two parts of the verse—being slow to speak and quick to listen—the last part will be automatic. You’ll find yourself becoming angry less often and less naturally. This is an important principle the Bible emphasizes over and over again:
How can you slow down and think before rushing to an angry response? Use the acronym T.H.I.N.K. to remember these five important questions to ask before you react in anger.
It’s not enough to only slow down when you’re angry. You also need to take the extra time to T.H.I.N.K. about what to say or do next. Try it, and you’ll see how a slow, calm response will help bring peace to a conflict. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Proverbs 15:1 (NIV) Here’s a common scenario: someone raises their voice against you, so you raise your voice in response. Then they raise their voice higher, then you raise your voice higher. And the situation keeps escalating. Some scientists suggest we do this because of mirror neurons in our brain meant to give us the ability to empathize with others and even mirror what they feel. But, unchecked, we can begin to mirror the anger and antagonism of someone in an argument. Let me give you a little tip that will save you a lot of heartache and conflict in your life: When other people raise their voice, lower yours—in your marriage, in your parenting, in your friendships, and at work. That’s called strength under control. The Bible says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1 NIV). Gentleness defuses conflict. It deescalates anger. When someone raises their voice in anger, instead of getting defensive, practice gentleness. Let your gentle answer disarm the other person and diffuse the situation. “For whatever is in your heart determines what you say.”
Matthew 12:34 (NLT) There is no real secret to changing from an angry person into a peaceful person. In order to get the power you need to go from anger to peace, you need to be filled with God’s love. The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:5, “[Love] is not easily angered” (NIV). In other words, if you’re filled with anger, then almost everything can upset you. But when you’re filled with God’s love your perspective changes. Being filled with God’s love requires that you have a relationship with him. Your relationship with Jesus Christ will determine how patient you are and how well you master anger. This means you can change. You can do it through the Holy Spirit! When you become a Christian, you have God’s power living in you. Even in a crisis—when people are out of work, kids are at home, and people are in isolation—you have all the power you need to make the hard changes in your life. And it starts by looking at your heart. Matthew 12:34 says, “For whatever is in your heart determines what you say” (NLT). Here are some things the tongue can reveal:
If your tongue reveals an angry heart, then ask God to heal your hurting heart with his love. The anger in your heart may come from feeling rejected, abused, or unloved in the past. You need to know that Jesus cares about your pain. He can replace the hurt in your heart with his peace and replace your insecurity with his power. As you begin to feel accepted in God’s love, your heart will change and produce the fruit of patience and kindness. God promises, “I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you” (Ezekiel 36:26 ESV). “Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back.”
Proverbs 29:11 (NLT) Many people think that all anger is sinful, but that’s not true. Anger only becomes sin when it is expressed in an inappropriate way. Sometimes the most appropriate response to a situation is anger. It can even be an expression of love. In fact, the Bible says God gets righteously angry, and the only reason you’re able to experience anger is because you’re created in his image. But there is such a thing as sinful anger. This is when we blow up or clam up. It’s when we threaten, insult, or belittle someone. While mismanaged anger is a sin, managed anger is an asset because it gives you a clear-headed view of the situation and allows you to respond with God’s love—even if you’re wronged. Because God is for you and not against you he gives you the ability to choose how to handle your anger. With the Holy Spirit working within you, you can control it. Have you ever been in a heated argument at home, and the phone rang and you answered it by sweetly saying, “Hello.” What just happened? You were able to change your tone instantly because you wanted to. Proverbs 29:11 says, “Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back” (NLT). Choosing to get angry is just that—a choice. You’ve probably said at some point, “You make me so mad!” But nobody can control your emotions without your permission. You can decide beforehand how you will respond and manage your anger. Your relationship to Christ will determine how well you master the anger in your life. Even in a crisis, in the most difficult of situations, you can manage your anger with God’s love inside you. And when anger is managed wisely and appropriately, it produces great marriages, great friendships, great businesses, great leaders, and great progress. “Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had” (Philippians 2:4-5 NLT).
When you meet someone to resolve a conflict, you first have to confess your part of the problem. Then, you need to listen for the other person’s hurt and perspective. We think we argue over ideas. But we actually argue over emotion. Anytime there’s a conflict, someone’s feelings were hurt. Somebody felt abused. Somebody felt slighted. It’s not the idea that causes the conflict. It’s the emotion behind the idea. Hurt people hurt people. The more people are hurting, the more they lash out at everybody else. People who aren’t hurting don’t hurt others. People who are filled with love are loving toward others. People who are filled with joy are joyful to others. People who are filled with peace are at peace with everybody else. But people who are hurting inside are going to hurt others. They’re going to lash out. If you want to connect with people, you must start with their needs, their hurts, and their interests. If you want to be a good salesperson, you don’t start with your product. You start with your customer’s need, hurts, and interests. If you want to be a good professor or pastor or anything else, you start with people’s needs, hurts, and interests. Philippians 2:4-5 says, “Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had” (NLT). Are you often so busy trying to get the people you’re in conflict with to see your position that you’re not listening to theirs? You’re too busy speaking and not listening, so you move further and further away. You need to intentionally switch your focus from your needs to their needs. Conflict resolution starts with the way you look at the situation. The word “look” in Philippians 2:4 is the Greek word scopos. It’s where we get our words “microscope” and “telescope.” Scopos means to focus. The next verse says your attitude should be the same as that of Jesus Christ. You are most like Jesus when you’re focusing on the hurts of somebody else rather than your own. There’s an old Proverb that says, “Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.” When you’re focused on the other person’s needs and not your own, you’ll be able to get a better understanding of the situation and move forward with resolving your conflict. |
AuthorTaken from Daily Hope by Rick Warren. Categories
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