“Be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.”
1 Peter 3:8 (NIV) Do you want to maintain harmony in your home and reduce the number of conflicts in your relationships? Then be sensitive and empathetic to how your words and actions affect others. The Bible says, “Never do anything that might hurt others—Jews, Greeks, or God’s church” (1 Corinthians 10:32 NCV). This principle of being sensitive to when people get offended is more important than ever, because it seems like everybody’s got a chip on their shoulder these days. We all get offended easily, and we all offend others easily. The solution to that in relationships is to pour grace into any situation so that you aren’t so easily offended—and then to become sensitive about the things that hurt or discourage others. Imagine how your relationships could change by simply doing those two things! But it requires that you admit you’re often insensitive to the impact of your words and your actions. Can you admit that you’ve sometimes been insensitive to your spouse or that you’ve not been empathetic to your colleague or that you’re just not as thoughtful as you think you are? It’s easy to quickly think of five things that other people do to offend you. But can you name five things you do that offend your spouse, friend, or co-worker? If not, then you can always ask them. They’ll be glad to tell you! Being more sensitive will also help you obey the Bible in another area. Jesus said in Matthew 5:25, “Settle matters quickly with your adversary” (NIV). This is a principle you need in every relationship in your life. To resolve conflict more easily and quickly, you need to do two things. First, think before you speak. Second, focus more on listening than on getting your point across. It’s human nature to first think of how you are offended rather than of how your words and actions affect others. But maintaining harmony requires you to be empathetic instead of defensive when you hurt someone else. “Be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble” (1 Peter 3:8 NIV). Harmony and empathy will always go together. If you want one, you have to have the other!
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“God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.”
Ephesians 1:5 (NLT) The whole reason you exist is because God wanted you to become part of his family. The Bible says, “God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure” (Ephesians 1:5 NLT). Your spiritual family, God’s family, is going to outlast even your physical family. Physical families don’t last. They grow up, they move away, they pass away. But the spiritual family of God will live on and on for eternity. God never meant for you to go through life alone. The truth is, God hates loneliness. When God created man, he put him in the Garden of Eden—a perfect environment—and the first thing God said was, “It is not good for man to be alone.” God wants you to be part of his family. What is God’s family? The Bible says, “That family is the church of the living God, the support and foundation of the truth” (1 Timothy 3:15 NCV). The church, the body of Christ, is not an institution. The church is not a bureaucracy, an organization, or a social club. The church is God’s family. It’s not about rules and regulations, rituals and religion. It’s about relationships. And it’s about love. The church is “the support and foundation of the truth.” What happens when a building has no support and foundation? It collapses. People who live in earthquake-prone areas understand this more than most. If you don’t have a good foundation under your building, it’s going to collapse when an earthquake comes. God says that your life works the same way. You’re going to have some earthquakes—financial, emotional, relational, health, and career earthquakes. And when tough times come along and you don’t have a spiritual family to support you, you’ll collapse. You can’t fulfill God’s purposes by yourself. God wired you to need other people. With the strong support of the family of God, you’ll have the secure foundation you need to stand through life’s challenges. “Love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid . . . this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love."
1 John 4:18 (NLT) Insecurity ruins relationships. But when you open your life to others, even though they could potentially hurt you, you’ll come alive in ways you’ve never experienced before. Why does insecurity ruin relationships? Because it prevents intimacy. You long to be close, but you also fear being close. You long to have intimacy with others, but it also scares you to death. You can’t get close to someone if there’s fear in the relationship. This is why living together doesn’t work in the long run. There’s no lifetime commitment. You never know when somebody is going to walk out. But fear vanishes, and intimacy—real intimacy—rises when two people say, “We’re committed no matter what. We’re going to make this thing work.” What do you fear in your relationships? Maybe you don’t want people to find out what you’re really like—so you hide yourself. This is the oldest fear, all the way back to Adam, the first man. He said, “I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid” (Genesis 3:10 NIV). When you’re afraid, you get insecure and hide who you are. You cover up, not just physically but emotionally. You build walls around yourself and pretend to be someone you’re not. But while insecurity ruins relationships, love builds them up. The Bible says in 1 John 4:18, “Love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid . . . this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love” (NLT). Love takes the focus off you and puts the focus on the other person. But the only way to love others is to realize that God loves you more than you can ever imagine. Suddenly, you don’t have to prove yourself to anyone anymore, and your identity and self-worth aren’t caught up in what others think. Instead, they’re caught up in your relationship with Jesus. You may have had some relational disasters in your life. Welcome to the human race. But in order to open up to others and fight insecurity, God wants you to first open up to Jesus, letting him fill you with his love so you can share it with others. “Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves . . . You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to."
Philippians 2:3, 5-6 (NLT) The ability to be humble is a relationship builder. What is humility? It’s when you honor others above yourself, not always demanding or clinging to your rights. Pride, on the other hand, destroys relationships—and it shows up in a lot of different ways. It can make you critical, judgmental, competitive, stubborn, and unforgiving. Proverbs 16:18 says, “Pride leads to destruction; a proud attitude brings ruin” (NCV). Pride is also self-deceiving. When you have a problem with pride, you struggle to see it in your life. But everyone else can see it in you! What does pride look like in a relationship? One, you always offer advice but never ask for it. Two, you can’t admit when you’ve had a tough week. Everybody else is saying, “Yeah, this last week was tough.” But you can’t seem to admit you have any problems. But how does humility play out in a relationship? Notice the five relationship builders in 1 Peter 3:8: “Live in harmony, be sympathetic, love each other, have compassion, and be humble” (GW). The first four are really built on the fifth one: Be humble. And it’s an excellent model for relationships. How does humility happen in your life? It happens by letting Jesus control your thoughts, heart, attitudes, and reactions. Growing in humility has to include Jesus. The basic law of relationships is this: You tend to become like the people you spend time with. If you spend time with grumpy people, you get grumpier. If you spend time with happy people, you get happier. If you want to have more humility, spend time with Jesus Christ in prayer and reading his Word. Just talk to him. He is humble and wants a relationship with you. Growing in humility may seem like a tall order, but it’s possible with Jesus. Take the first step toward humility and become a relationship builder today. “Look out for one another's interests, not just for your own."
Philippians 2:4 (GNT) Selflessness brings out the best in others. It builds relationships. What does it mean to be selfless? It means you think a little less of yourself and a little more of others. The opposite of selflessness is selfishness. It’s the number one cause of conflict and arguments. The Bible says, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it” (James 4:1-2 NIV). Self-centeredness destroys relationships. The problem is, being selfish is human nature. We naturally think about our interests, our hurts, how we look, and how we feel. Even culture tells us: “Do what you think is best for you.” But the Bible says, “Look out for one another’s interests, not just for your own” (Philippians 2:4 GNT). What happens when you “look out for one another’s interests, not just for your own”? Not only will it transform your relationships—it will transform people. It causes the other person to change because you’re not the same person anymore, allowing them to relate to you in a different way. I’ve seen it many times: When you treat cranky, unlikable people with kindness, instead of treating them the way they deserve, they transform into nice people. The greatest lesson in life is learning to be unselfish—but it won’t happen overnight. It’s going to take the rest of your life. The good news is, God doesn’t leave you all alone to learn how to be selfless. Romans 8:26 says, “The Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness” (NLT). Never stop making the effort to be more selfless. God’s Spirit is with you to help you break the cycle of selfishness! And it’s then will you see transformation in all your relationships. “You have left the love you had in the beginning. So remember where you were before you fell. Change your hearts and do what you did at first.”
Revelation 2:4-5 (NCV) At first glance you may not think the book of Revelation—with its images of beasts, lambs, and angels—has anything to do with romance and the kind of affection needed to sustain a growing marriage. But it does. In Revelation 2:4-5, Jesus used an analogy from romantic love to describe a church that had gone astray. Jesus said to the church of Laodicea: “You have left the love you had in the beginning. So remember where you were before you fell. Change your hearts and do what you did at first” (NCV). It’s not only churches that drift from their original love. Marriages and other significant relationships can drift away from the love that first drew them together. The four things that Jesus tells the Laodiceans to do can help you to recapture your marriage relationship too: remember, return, repent, and repeat. And if you’re not married, you can also apply these same principles to other relationships in your life, like your family or very close friendships. 1. Remember. Think about what you did in your first days together that made you fall in love. Think about the happy days. Stop thinking about all the problems you have now and remember how your love began. 2. Return. Return your focus to God. It’s easy to let your focus drift to your problems, pressures, stresses, and career. But if you want to return to your first love, you need to turn your attention back to God. 3. Repent. Choose to change how you think and act. Love isn’t a feeling, but it creates feelings—sometimes enormous feelings. Love is a choice. It’s a commitment to put someone else’s best interest over your own. Anything other than that isn’t love. If love were simply a feeling, God couldn’t command it. Yet God commands us over and over in his Word to choose to love others (including our spouses). If you haven’t been loving your spouse like Jesus would, make a choice to start doing that today—that’s repentance. 4. Repeat. Do what you did when you first fell in love. Feelings always follow actions. It’s easier to act your way into a feeling than to feel your way into an action. If you wait to feel affectionate and romantic, the devil will make sure you never feel it. Choose to act in a loving way, and the feelings will come back. The kind of affection that leads to a lasting relationship inevitably seeps out of almost every marriage eventually. The question is: How will you respond when that happens? Don’t continue to drift apart from the one you love. Instead, choose to rekindle your love as you remember, return, repent, and repeat. “God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.”
2 Timothy 1:7 (NLT) God wants you to live at peace with everyone. Why? Because unresolved conflict has three devastating effects in life. First, it blocks your fellowship with God. When you’re out of harmony with others, you can’t be in harmony with God. When you’re distracted by conflict with other people, you can’t have a clear connection with God. The Bible says, “If someone says, ‘I love God,’ but hates a fellow believer, that person is a liar” (1 John 4:20 NLT). Second, unresolved conflict hinders your prayers. Over and over again the Bible says that when your life is characterized by conflict, sin, and disharmony, your prayers are blocked. “It’s your sins that have cut you off from God. Because of your sins, he has turned away and will not listen anymore” (Isaiah 59:2 NLT). Third, unresolved conflict hinders your happiness. You can’t be happy and in conflict at the same time. When conflict comes in through the front door, happiness goes out the back door. Once conflict has arrived, it won’t go away on its own. You can’t make it disappear by ignoring, denying, or pushing conflict under the rug. Have you heard the expression, “Time heals everything”? That’s simply not true. Time heals nothing! If time healed everything, you wouldn’t ever need to see the doctor. When you’ve got an open wound and you don’t deal with it, it festers. Conflict is the same way. Anger turns to resentment, and resentment turns to bitterness. So, to get rid of conflict, you need to intentionally deal with it. Don’t wait for the other person to come to you. Go to the person you’re in conflict with. Take the initiative and be the peacemaker. Only courageous people resolve conflict. Maybe the most courageous thing you can do is to face an issue that you’ve been ignoring for a long time—whether it’s in your marriage, with your kids, with your employees or your boss, or whoever. Where do you find the courage to face and resolve conflict? You get it from God. The Bible says in 2 Timothy 1:7, “God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline” (NLT). Let God’s Spirit fill your life, and you’ll find yourself filled with power, love, and self-discipline. God’s love will overcome fear and give you the courage to resolve conflict and bring healing to your relationships. “The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.”
James 3:17 (NIV) Do you know two of the biggest mistakes people make in relationships? One, they react to what someone says without considering how that person feels. Two, they invalidate someone’s feelings because they don’t feel that way themselves. The antidote for both of these is the same: Simply be considerate. Let’s take a closer look at each of these mistakes and what you can do instead. Mistake #1: Reacting without trying to understand. People often pay too much attention to someone’s words and not enough attention to the emotions behind the words. When a person is angry, they often say things they don’t mean. They exaggerate and use words they didn’t intend to use. Instead of just listening to the words, look for the emotions behind the words. People don’t always say what they mean—but they always feel what they feel. If you’re wise in relationships, you’ll be considerate of feelings. Don’t just focus on what your child, spouse, neighbor, or boss says—words that may trigger your anger. Instead, be mindful of what those people may be feeling. When people are rude and unkind, they are screaming to the world, “I’m in pain!” Hurt people always hurt people. And it’s actually the unkind people who need your kindness the most. Mistake #2: Invalidating any feelings that you don’t feel yourself. When you don’t feel the same emotion someone else feels, you may dismiss their feelings altogether. Let me ask you this: Can one person be cold and another be warm while being in the same room at the same time? Yes. So why try to argue people out of what they feel? When you dismiss someone’s feelings, you minimize the other person. Someone may say to you, “I feel stupid.” Don’t just dismiss it by saying, “You’re not stupid.” Instead, say, “Why do you feel that way? What makes you say that?” You need to look beyond the words and get to the real issue. Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They’re just there. No one has to defend their feelings. They just need you to say, “I hear you.” The Bible says, “The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere” (James 3:17 NIV). With heaven’s wisdom, you can stop ignoring and invalidating other people’s feelings. You can let your friend feel tired and not try to talk her out of it. You can let your spouse feel sad and not try to talk him out of it. Wise people are considerate of other people’s feelings. “Any fool can start arguments; the honorable thing is to stay out of them.”
Proverbs 20:3 (GNT) Wise people are peacemakers, not troublemakers. Wise people don’t carry a chip on their shoulder. They’re not always looking for a fight. And they don’t intentionally antagonize other people. The fact is, if you’re around someone for any length of time, you’ll figure out what irritates that person. Then you may file that information in the back of your mind as a tool to use when you get in an argument. When that person says something that hurts, offends, or slights you in any way, you pull out that information and use it against them. You push the hot button. And it works every time! You know what the Bible calls this kind of behavior? Stupid! It doesn’t get you any closer to resolution or help your relationship. In fact, it hurts the relationship. It’s not wise. Proverbs 20:3 says, “Any fool can start arguments; the honorable thing is to stay out of them” (GNT). We all use counterproductive strategies in relationships. They’re hurtful, they’re harmful, and they don’t get you what you want. But when we lack wisdom, we use them anyway. Here are just a few of these counterproductive strategies: 1. Comparing. Never compare your wife, your husband, your kids, your boss, or anyone else—because each person is unique. Comparing antagonizes anger. 2. Condemning. When you start laying on the guilt in a relationship, you get the opposite of what you expect. It doesn’t work, and it’s foolish. 3. Contradicting. William James, the famous psychologist, said, “Wisdom is the art of knowing what to overlook.” Some things just aren’t worth your attention; you simply need to overlook them. The Bible says in Proverbs 14:29, “A wise man controls his temper. He knows that anger causes mistakes” (TLB). Have you ever said or done anything out of anger? We all have! When you get angry, your intelligence goes out the window. You say and do foolish things that are self-defeating. Have you ever thought about the fact that there is only one letter difference between “anger” and “danger”? When you get angry, you are in dangerous territory. You are about to hurt others—and yourself—with your own anger. The good news is that you don’t have to let your anger get the best of you. You can choose to be a peacemaker, not a troublemaker. Follow the wise advice of Proverbs: Control your temper and stay out of arguments. You—and the people you’re in relationship with—will be glad you did. “Each of you as a good manager must use the gift that God has given you to serve others.”
1 Peter 4:10 (GW) Your abilities are for the benefit of other people. The Bible says in 1 Peter 4:10, “Each of you as a good manager must use the gift that God has given you to serve others” (GW). Nobody is good at everything. Nobody has every talent. There are no perfect people who can say to the world, “I don’t need anybody else.” We need each other. We were made to work in teams! That’s why you need a small group and a church family. We’re better together. Here’s the key to success: Build on your strengths so that your weaknesses become irrelevant. Every successful person does this. Just work on what you’re good at, and make it better. Here’s a second rule of success: Team up with people who are good at what you’re not good at. Team up with people who complement you. Everybody has something to contribute. Nobody has it all together. We need each other! This, by the way, is one of the purposes of marriage. In marriage we’re put together to complement each other’s strengths and to compensate for each other’s weaknesses. What happens when we don’t compensate for each other’s weaknesses? We criticize each other. That’s not what marriage is for. Marriage puts two sinners together, so there can be no perfect relationships. But in a marriage, you know the other’s weaknesses, so you can help compensate for them. For example, take bill paying and budgeting. Who should do it? The one who does it better! The Bible doesn’t tell us who should do one role over another. Just figure out who does it better, and in doing that, you compensate for each other’s weaknesses. This also applies to your work. If you want your business to be effective, here’s the key: Staff by SHAPE. Help people discover their SHAPE—their Spiritual gifts, Heart, Abilities, Personality, and Experiences—and put them in the positions they’re good at. When you do that, you won’t have to micromanage them or motivate them. Why? Because they’ll be doing what they love to do, and they’ll be good at it. God wants every person to use their abilities to help other people. We need each other! |
AuthorTaken from Daily Hope by Rick Warren. Categories
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